The Highway Less Traveled

For my Angel

2009-11-06T04:58:23Z

I came to the desert
desolate, barren,
devoid of hope
And found among
the burning sands
an angel
fallen from grace
Wounded,
broken,
lost among mortals,
hiding a fragile heart
behind a cloak of darkness.
There was joy in my soul
A piece of my heart
unknowingly missing,
unexpectedly found
I brought him close,
and touched his heart
with faith
and peace
and love
And he held me close
and swore he'd hold me forever.
Safe in his embrace,
protected in his arms,
I found my strength
to face the world...

For my Knight

2009-10-31T03:21:05Z

Behold your lady
the Queen of Swords,
the Queen of Sorrows and Troubles
Nobility forged through trials
Strength wrought from from grief
Bring her your heart, oh Knight
Do not doubt her, oh Knight
Her will can move
the greatest mountain
Her faith speaks volumes
in it's quietness
She will face the gods themselves
And walk away victorious
Do not fear her, oh Knight
Do not doubt her heart, oh Knight
She seeks not to rule
but to love, to heal
She seeks the peace
found in loving
and being loved
Seek her out, oh Knight
Bring her close, oh Knight
Find peace in the peace of her soul...

Clues the trend has peaked #69

2009-08-22T05:05:19Z

It is made into a sex toy.

Yes, there is in fact a(n off-brand) Twilight sex toy.

...

...

...

SPARKLE PENIS!!!!!!!

(Ok, yes I giggled like mad and I do kinda want it. For novelty's sake, I swear, I haven't even read the damn books or seen the movies. Really, I may look but a grown woman, but I'm a cleverly disquised 12-year-old...)

Up on my soapbox, you can't kick me off

2009-08-18T03:59:37Z

I doubt the relevant parties are going to see this, but whatever. This is my little venue and I can say whatever I want.

Shara, I am not two-faced. I am simply someone who has had a revelation- that you have likely been lying to me, or at least fudging the truth, about everything that has ever happened to you. And it really really angers me, that I was so easily duped, that you played my heartstrings like that. I am seeing all your actions, from Ken to Bruce to Phil, in a new light. I am seeing your claims of multiple personalities as hollow.. Everything I look at, everything I think of, is tinged with doubt and suspicions of manipulation. And in the ending of your relationship with Phil, I hear the echoes of a familiar refrain, and it stops me short, because I just cannot believe that someone would willing subject themself to that situation over and over and over again. The only difference I see this go round is that you kicked your man out and kept your kids, rather than leaving all behind with barely a glance back.

How long will you last this time, Shara? How long till Sheldon annoys you, or pisses you off, or won't give in to your demands? How long until you once again raise the rally cry of abuse? Two years? Three? Much sooner if you lose your children to your pettiness and irrational behavior? Are you even now crafting an escape plan to a new far-flung locale, away from the people who have been witness to the havoc you have wrought? I suggest the West coast, since you started in the north, went south, and then north east. So you'll more or less have hit every cardinal point on the compass.

I dug my own grave, and indeed, the spade keeps going deeper, I know that. I could have kept my mouth shut, maybe even should have. But in the face of the unspinning of this yarn I could not. Every court needs its Ragabash, the fool who does not fear to open their mouth and speak the uncomfortable truths, to give voice to what others are thinking but dare not say. Granted, subtlety is not my forte, and it is likely the gods are having a merry laugh at my expense, but that is nothing new.

I stand by what I say and believe, that you are manipulative and are coloring the situation to favor yourself. If I am proved wrong then I shall eat my humble pie. As it stands, I forsee only that this act will end as has every other in your farce, with broken lives and broken hearts. And when the final curtain falls it will be you who will be ultimately broken, alone on the dark and empty stage of your own making.

Writer's Block: I May Be Crazy

2009-08-10T20:50:46Z

What does this Rorschach blot look like to you?

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Two pigs hanging off the sides of a motorcycle. Or maybe a Vespa.

I wonder what a shrink would make of that....

bloodsugarmagik @ 2009-07-22T01:58:00

2009-07-22T06:14:28Z

I feel pushed, rushed, and dragged along. When I panic slightly and try to express being weirded out, I am minimized with guilt because I am a formality standing in the path.

Also, I have been more thoroughly insulted than I can recall being in quite sometime.

This, after I have spent not one but two days in battles of will, have discovered my downgraded friendship status in an offhand manner, and continue to come to terms with the fact that my meta is pretty much nada.

Not to mention that I am finding it exceeding difficult to turn my boring life into a compelling sales pitch.

The week is barely half over, and all I want is to crawl in a hole and cry.

Change of plans

2009-05-22T04:03:26Z

We came down to Texas to see my father-in-law, to visit him while he was in the hospital, to keep up his morale and my mother-in-law's, and to maybe help out after he got out of the hospital.

When we go back to Ohio, we will probably be taking him with us...to bury.

This week has officially won for sucking.

A pull like a black hole...

2009-05-20T03:26:09Z

So, yeah. Back in Texas again. Not moved back, but we are here for an extended visit. Nick's dad went to the hospital last week with pneumonia, which turned into a major breathing problem, which turned into intubation and sedation...and just kept spiraling from there. The tube was taken out today, but he's having trouble recognizing people, and he's having panic attacks severe enough to affect his breathing which may wind up with him back on the respirator.Nick, his mom, his brother, and brother's fiancee are taking shifts sitting with him at the hospital, and I am the official Kid Wrangler, looking after not just my two but b-i-l and fiancee's three kids as well. It treads a fine line between mostly ok and completely effing insane. And we've only been down here since Friday night. Nick doesn't want to leave until his dad's out of the hospital, so we're looking at being down here for a month, at the least. I'm not sure how I'm going to make it without having a meltdown, irrational or otherwise. Depression is a sneaky bitch, plus we're probably going to be here when I have my menses, and my hormones happen to be Depression's favorite toy. Oy.

In other news...I have tentatively re-established contact with my birth mother. I sent her a card just after Mother's Day, not specifically a Mother's Day card, but it was pretty and had a picture of water flow making the shape of a heart on the front so I thought it would work nicely. It was blank inside so I wrote a short letter, with my email address and promised her I was better at keeping up with email than actual letter writing. I also included pictures of the kids, Small Angel's school pic and pictures of them from Christmas a couple years ago, as I didn't have any recent hardcopy pics of the Mini Templar(baby). She sent me an email, so I need to track down some more pics to send her. A little difficult given that I don't have MY computer, but oh well, I'll manage.

And that's pretty much the big stuff. Wish I had something less depressing to talk about. *glares at her non-existant meta-romances/social life/muse/hell I'd settle for a pretty shiny at this point dammit life THROW ME A FRICKIN' BONE HERE*

*sighs* Until next time...

Writer's Block: Looking Back

2009-04-14T18:45:43Z

LiveJournal is turning 10 and we're feeling nostalgic. What was your first LJ post about?

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Ah, well...

My first post was the fairly obligatory "introduction post" where I offered a brief summary of who I am, or rather was, since it was written back in 2004, and a few things have changed since then, some of them simply me being more comfortable with who I am and talking about it, even if it is just on the internets.

My first "real" post wasn't much. In fact, I recall the majority of my posts the first few months involved quiz results of some kind. I believe this was also the early days of Quizilla, which had some fun quizzes, but also alot of quizzes that would have been better as fanfiction- or at least would have fit the fanfiction format better. To be honest, my real impetus for signing up for LJ was to have my own place to post the results of quizzes that I was taking through my friend's LJ. I was wary of blogging back then, more or less convinced that it was a fad and a waste of time. Which goes to show that I have no sense of what sticks.

The first substantive post I did, while it did in fact involve a quiz result, also was the beginning of three recurring themes here on my little Highway- how various family drives me nuts, the way my life sucks, and just all around depression. I wish I knew if there were some feature that would show how many posts there are under a certain tag, because I'm betting the tags "depression" and "my so-called life" get quite a workout, with "family" making a respectable showing. I suppose I could switch to one of those journal styles where tags in the list are bigger or smaller depending on how often they're used, but switching journal styles is a pain in the ass.

I enjoy LJ. I may not have been here since the very beginning, but I can't imagine ever leaving. I may not post everyday, but coming to LJ is part of my daily routine, so that I can catch up with friends, get inspired, laugh my ass off, and in general feel like I'm part of the bigger picture, even if the picture is text instead of images. Here's to another 10 years, LJ!

Writer's Block: Seven Days

2009-04-07T19:01:20Z

Which day of the week do you least look forward to? And which one do you most anticipate?

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Ye gods, I dread practically the whole week. Days I have to take the Small Angel up to school are particularly rough because neither of us is a morning person, and trying to get her butt in gear and ready and out the door is like trying to pull a mule some days. Crappy weather certainly doesn't help (like the past couple days. Seriously, wtf? Turn off the godsdamned snow machine already, Weather Fairy). I suppose if I had to pick one day it would be Monday. Not only is it the beginning of a whole new week, but it's also the day I have "leadership training" for the SPO, which is supposed to be teaching us how to be effective leaders of our SPO group, but tends to devolve into a bitch- and whinefest, especially on the part of our president. Fearless Leader will, by turn, threaten to quit because things suck and we never get to do anything and no one gives her any recognition and respect; or she will complain that we're getting all this "training" just to lose our positions for next year, and that we should pretty much break our by-laws on election and office-holding and just keep our positions. Frankly, I'd just as soon have someone take my place. When I decided to be active in the SPO, I hadn't planned on being an officer at all, and I certainly didn't want to be so high up. Being an officer is a lot of time and energy, which can get sucked out pretty quickly.

Days I look forward to? Weekends, definitely, especially when we don't have to go anywhere. And Fridays, or days that fall before the start of a vacation, are pretty good too. This week I'm looking forward to Thursday, because it's the last day before Easter vacation starts. Ironically, I will probably be looking forward to the Monday after break, because then school will be in again and SA will be in school as opposed to at home and driving me CRAZY. Heh.

Speaking of ways to eff up my fandoms...

2009-04-03T05:25:07Z

So last night I was brooding some more over the potential fuck-up that will be the Anita Blake Telefilm on IFC. My thoughts specifically meandered over to Anita's sex life, becauser let's face it, there is no way you can present a female character with like five or six (seven?) love interests/fuck buddies to a group writing for a cable channel and not have them go hogwild on it. It must be accepted that on that particular plot point there will be carnage.

Anyhow, from that particular bit the thought sprung up- what about the Merry Gentry series? Is it being considered for TV? Has it been optioned, and they're just holding onto it until they see how Anita does? I ponder this, because one cannot consider the poly themes of the Blakeverse without considering those of the Gentryverse. Particularly how we happen to come upon these particular fuzzy plot bunnies.

To compare and contrast:

Anita's poly is as much of a surprise to her as it is to us, and she fights it every step of the way, being as how good girls just do not do such things. Merry's poly is also a surprise to us, but it is a short-lived one to her, being as how the fae are cool with hookups- as long as everyone involved are not part of a fertile couple (this is important).

Anita hooks up only with those men she's known for awhile and is comfortable with, with one exception. Merry, on the other hand, is recieving matchups from an enchanted ring, which sometimes leads her to men she actively despises, in the name of becoming part of a Fertile Couple (important detail, there!)

Anita's poly is engendered and served by a mystical uber-sex drive that must be satiated every so often. Merry's poly allows her to audition potential babydaddies, to find her partner in Fertile Coupledom, which leads to a scene of brief rumination on her part re: fae relationships and childbearing. Specifically, the fact that while the fae may fuck like bunnies, they do not breed like bunnies, and their potential for breeding seems to have dropped even lower since the Queen declared the monogamy of the Fertile Couples, which leads Merry to wonder if the fae are really meant to be monogamous.

As I pondered this brief scene (as far as I know this was discussed only once, but I've only read to Mistral's Kiss), when out of nowhere a thought occured to me...was LKH one of THOSE people, who declare strenuously that monogamy is unnatural and poly is the true way to be, world without end, amen?

It was at this point my Geeky Soul grabbed my brain and started pulling it off that path, shrieking "NO!!!! STOP IT! STOP ANALYZING MY FANDOM!" while my poor brain struggles weakly, dragged away saying "But I just wanted to see where it went....."

And thus is my crazy!fannishness...

A cynical geek at heart...

2009-04-02T00:53:35Z

The Anita Blake series is coming to the small screen.

And naturally, I am all a-squee, 'cause hey! Strong female protaganist! Sexy without needing sparkles vampire! Sexy with buzzkilling mountain of self-loathing werewolf! Murder and mayhem and zombies, oh my!

And then from the depths of the Abyss of Geekery Gone Wrong, a voice slithers out..."Legend of the Seeker".

GODS HELP US ALL, I cannot even begin to describe how horribly fucked up this could be. The writers for LotS mangled, MANGLED I tell you, the entirety of the Sword of Truth series- characterizations, plotlines, world settings, practically EVERY FREAKIN' DETAIL. The only thing that wasn't screwed up were the character names, but they may as well not even bothered to leave them alone. In fact, I'd rather they had changed them, because then it'd be easier to claim that LotS has NOTHING WHATSOEVER to do with the Sword of Truth books.

And then I start thinking of all the ways Anita Blake can go wrong. They could completely miscast Anita and fuck up her "look". Richard could become a caricature, a nothingness of pure sel-hate. They could put SPARKLES ON JEAN-CLAUDE, OH HELL NO, KEEP OUT TWIHARD FANS. I do not want your CRAZY all over my fandom, where there is actual plot and character development and mature sexual tension and things happen other than PRETTY BITCHY GIRL WANTS TO SCREW TEH HAWT VAMPIRE.

And oh gods the poly themes? Pack it in, people, once they get ahold of that there will be no "reasonably intelligent and capable woman deals with supernatural crimes" no it will be TEH HAWT VAMPIRE-WEREWOLF-PRETTY GIRL SEXX0RS ORGY PORN, NOW WITH ZOMBIE ACTION.

This thing isn't supposed to come out until next year, and my geeky soul is already a gibbering mess.

Writer's Block: Take Your Chances

2009-03-24T05:36:06Z

Do you think people deserve second chances?

Submitted By drea12301994

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I think it depends on the offense in question, whether the person seemed truly sorry, and to a certain extant how long ago it happened. For example, if some of my former classmates from junior high came to me and seemed to be sincerely apologetic about how they made those years hell for me, I'd probably take into account that it was a long time ago and preteens are a pretty stupid bunch as a whole.

Some things though, are so heinous, there is no chance for a second chance. My birth father is a perpetrator of such acts; he could come commando crawling over a bed of red-hot coals embedded with shards of broken glass, and nowhere within my scarred soul would he find the absolution he sought. And frankly, I have serious doubts as to whether people like him can truly appreciate the vileness of what they have done. I honestly doubt they can be truly rehabilitated and given a "second chance" at being a part of society.

People say "To forgive is divine", I say I'm not aspiring to be divinity, so fuck'em, let them stew in their guilt if they have it.

Writer's Block: Divided Self

2009-03-21T03:50:53Z

Do you behave differently online than you do in real life?

Submitted By tinysaur

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Oh yeah. Online, I am cool. I am more vocal, more witty, more snarky. I care less about what others think of me. I'm more out about my faith and my sexuality. I'm more likely to call people out on the issues I care about, especially fat bias. I've even been known to be an outrageous flirt.

Offline is an entirely different story. I got up to talk in front of just a handful of parents today at the SPO meeting, and I'm half-convinced everyone could tell just how nervous I was. I could feel myself shaking and my face felt like it was on fire. I'm more likely to keep my thoughts and opinions to myself. And while I do wear my pentacle, I don't talk about my faith, and I certainly don't work my bisexuality or my boyfriend(s) into the conversation. And I certainly don't look like anyone's idea of sexy, nevermind acting like it.

I will say I am getting a bit more vocal about some things, mostly due to the fact that I need to speak up and get noticed if I want things to happen at the school. But it's highly unlikely my two personas will ever come into sync, at least with the general public. Those who get to know me well know what a smartass I can truly be...

Writer's Block: What Next?

2009-03-21T02:19:56Z

What do you think happens to us when we die?

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Ummm...I don't know?

I used to know. Back in the days, when I was a shiny-sparkly brand new pagan, and studying books on Wicca (because that is practically the only thing available, stop laughing at me), I believed whole heartedly in the Summerland, which is pretty much like Heaven, except that it's less people floating around on fluffy clouds and more people cavorting through a warm sunny countryside. Also, there is no place of torture-punishment counterpart- everyone goes to the Summerland and spends time contemplating the lives they have lived and what lessons to take from them. The closest thing I've ever seen to an idea of a hell is a mention by Silver Ravenwolf (stop laughing, DAMMIT) of a belief in a kind of "holding pen" for the really bad people. While I'll allow that those early studies still influence some of my beliefs and practices, I haven't called or even thought of myself as Wiccan for several years now. I don't know if I really believe in the Summerland now.

The other part of my belief in the afterlife is a belief in life after the afterlife- reincarnation. I believed in it so strongly that I was certain- CERTAIN- that the group of friends I hung out with my last one or two pre-Texas years were all people I had interacted with in previous lifetimes- not really soulmates, but a soul family. Truthfully, I had never felt so comfortable in any other group of people- we were all freaks and gamer geeks and just flat out weirdos. It was the first time, the first little community that I felt completely at ease in and felt completely free to be myself. I was gorgeous, I was sexy, I was sensual, mysterious, powerful, awe-inspiring, just...me.

Unfortunately when I moved to Texas, I lost contact with almost everyone in my little soul family. Without the buffering effects of being a part of a group, the grinding mundanity of trying to survive in an essentially alien environment wore down the sense of "I" that I had been building. Without my friends, I was just another freak adrift in a sea of consensual humanity. Eventually the semi-confident geek retreated in the face of the circumstances of my situation, replaced by the shy, dull, but more or less socially acceptable worker drone-morphed-into-mother. I've masqueraded as a normal for so long that I feel the metaphysical mask had been nearly grafted into the skin of my psyche. Removing it could prove to be a long, arduous, maybe even painful in a way process. It would be worth it, though- I'll never find people I connect with if I don't let my freak flag fly. And it's that connection with people who get me, who are like me, that I miss. If I'm fortunate I'll find people that I can connect with the way I did with my little "family", those people who I meshed with so well I was certain that we had to have known each other for far longer than we ever did in this lifethat we must have trod the karmic spiral together throughout the ages in many guises.

A girl can hope...

Wow I have no idea how this went from "duh I have no clue about what I believe" to "wahhh I have no friends and my life SUCKS". I guess that's the point of these prompts, although I don't think this is what LJ had in mind with this particular one...

Writer's Block: Fresh Flowers or Crunchy Leaves?

2009-03-20T20:52:37Z

It's the first day of spring in the Northern Hemisphere and the first day of autumn in the Southern Hemisphere. What season do you want it to be where you live?

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Summer. I'm so damn tired of the cold.

I hope I remember that when it's 80-some degrees and the fans on high just ain't cuttin' it... ;-P

Bow-chicka-wow-wow

2009-02-13T16:45:29Z

Slate's been doing a video stories on bad boyfriends. A recent one is the "Porn Star Boyfriend"...

Oh, the irony of it...

More "What Was I Thinking?"

Because Ihaven't done one of these in awhile...

2008-12-05T22:16:47Z

Your Kiss is Green

Your kisses are short and sweet - at least a first.
You tend to be a cautious kisser. You don't want to scare anyone off.
Once you get to know someone, your kisses are daring... and even wild.
No matter what the situation is, you know how to deliver the perfect kiss.

Kissing Type: Varied

People See Your Kisses as: Skillful

You Kiss Best With: A Blue Kisser

Stay away from: A Black Kisser

What Color Is Your Kiss?

You Are an Orange Rose

You represent desire and enthusiasm

Your vibe: Sexy yet familiar

Falling in love with you: happens instantly - it's a fast ride

What Color Rose Are You?

You Are Bettie Page

Girl next door with a wild streak
You're a famous beauty - with unique look
And the people like you are cultish about it

What Famous Pinup Are You?

You Are Chocolat Orange Pocky

Your attitude: funky and flavorful
Rich and deep - yet zingy and zesty
You are the perfect partner in crime

What Flavor Pocky Are You?

You Should Be a Cherry Redhead

Sexy, dramatic, but still sweetly feminine. Perfect for getting out of the hair color doldrums!

What Kind of Redhead Should You Be?

arrgh....

2008-11-17T03:23:36Z

Do you have any idea what it is like to be a poet, who has gone so long without exercising their muse, that expressing oneself through writing is almost impossible?

It is a very special sort of hell, let me tell you...especially when I have some pretty major stuff I'm trying to sort out...

Saturday's lake therapy, Part the Final

2008-11-11T04:32:09Z

And I went down
to the waters
I went out
to the cold
Opened my psyche
bared my soul
cried my grief to the gods
Vented rage
to my Mother
Wept, and pleaded,
and accused,
and demanded,
and wrapped myself
in my despair
Wound my misery
'round me
and waited.
And my Mother
came to me
Spoke to me
Comforted me
in the wind
in the waves
She soothed my heart
eased my pain
gifted me
with hope
and beauty
And bid me go
and return to myself
And I went up
renewed
restored
My tears offered
and accepted
I gazed out
unto Her
and saw
the blue sky...

Saturday's lake therapy, Part the Second

2008-11-11T04:19:39Z

Serendipity
brought you to me
A stroke of luck
random chance
a circumstance
not completely
of my own making
but taking
that step
put me on the path
to potential bliss
and this
is nothing
but a small test
of my heart
And I'll gladly part
with a small piece
of my soul
to pay that toll
to open that road
that will lead me to you.

Saturday's lake therapy, Part the First

2008-11-11T04:13:33Z

And I must go down
to find if salvation
can be found
One step
and another
Descending
bending
under the weight
of my heart
Where to start
the healing?
Feeling
broken
Unspoken
this emotion
Rage
caged
depression unwielding
unwieldy
Why begin
again
What if I can't take
heartbreak
anew?
Alone,
the cold wind embraces
my soul...

Catch-and-release is ineffective, but I don't have anything better...

2008-11-08T08:54:38Z

Imagine if you will, a lovely little bit of lakefront, jutting out into the water, and right on the shore is a gorgeous willow tree, large enough to hang over both soil and waves.

This little bit of paradise is real. It's at Edgewater Park, just down the road from me. And barring an act of the gods, in the form of weather or sheer dumb luck, it is my landmark of reference for where I plan to go to exorcise the demons riled up by the past week.

Lovely isn't it?

I'm counting on the combination of water, relative solitude, and depression to help me get rid of the little monsters currently running rampant through my mind, the ones who are trying-and succeeding unfortunately well- to beat the rational part of my mind down. I'm angry, even though I really shouldn't be. I know work sucks, I know life sucks, I know it's all unpredictable and sometimes despite the best of intentions people let people down. I KNOW THIS, and I think it's a testament to how together I still have it that I can recognize the irrationality of my near-rage. But there is that demon stomping through my head, threatening to take my good heavy skillet and bash things up with it.

But there's one even worse, one I've tried to rid myself of, but I just can't. Oh, I can tamp it down for awhile, shove it in a box/jail which I tuck away into some dark corner and then try not to look at it. But it's never gone. And these past couple of weeks-when I've been outrageously, delirously, ridiculously happy- it's been there, in it's little cage- tapping a hinge here, shaking a bar there, watching, waiting. And all the while whispering, reminding me that any happiness I find never lasts for long, any light is quickly swallowed by the dark. Oh it's never constant, never chattering- just a quiet comment here, a pointed barb there, reminding me that soon, oh so soon I'll come crashing down. And when I do, it'll be there, to remind me of why I can never be happy, why joy is never truly mine to hold.

The first crack came Tuesday. The final crash-and the failure of the cage-was last night.

I'm not blaming. I KNOW- in the normal, sane, rational part of my mind, that things HAPPEN. And that we can NOT always control circumstances. And I knew that crash was coming- you don't live with this as long as I have without being fully aware that it is inevitable, especially considering how insanely happy I've been. Which also means I know what is likely to come next, that I'd turn into a passive-aggressive bitch who'd really muck things up. I'm trying to avoid that, really trying hard, because the last thing I want is to screw this up.

So today, divine intervention not withstanding, I'll be riding the shank's mare down to the lake a few minutes after noon, supplied with pencil and paper and a few other things, to (hopefully) write my demon a new cage, to write it into that cage, to write a strong lock on that cage and close it, turn the key and throw it away. I'll weave my greatest magick, putting lead to notepad, spinning a verse or five out of the threads of my emotions, revealing to the all and the one the tapestry of my heart.

Yeah, I'm probably flippin' crazy, and no one in their right mind would want to deal with me and my issues. I understand if that's the way it is. But I'm laying this card out on the table, this is the hand I was dealt, and it's part of a non-negotiable all-or-nothing package deal. Honesty is the best policy and to be honest I care so much it scares the freakin' hell out of me, which is why I need to be honest about what I'm experiencing and what I'm doing about it. I've got to do what I do best, be what I am...

...and hope and pray that I'm still found acceptable.

Written as a challenge awhile ago, but still resonant now

2008-11-08T05:54:30Z

The original post

It was only a fairy tale
A child's wild imagining
of a good life
a happy life
a sweet life
And I don't believe in fairytales
anymore
As reality swoops in
to crush
my hopes
my dreams
my desires
I've tried far too many times to fly
To rise above
to escape what they think they know
what they expect
what they want to see
Only to come crashing down
crushing
breaking
maiming my body
my heart
my soul
So I will take the few feathers I have left
wrap them around me
hold them close
and never reach for the heavens again.

Tomorrow, if the weather cooperates, I'm going down to the lake, where I can hopefully dredge some of my rage and depression out of my heart and slap it onto some paper. Maybe I will even try a little bargaining with the gods. The way this week has been though, I'd probably head out only to get zapped halfway there. Yes this week has sucked, and no I really don't want to talk about it at the moment. Maybe if I come back with something decent I'll expound upon it some.

Either I write, or I rip my heart out and try to beat sense into it...

2008-11-02T05:38:54Z

And I must confess
to my distress
and my discontent
that I never meant
to leave the door
open
what's more
to let my heart wander
over that boundary
into that territory
Pictures and
a hundred words
a thousand words
a million words
How can they equal
How can they replace
the sight of a face
the glint of a smile
Text on a magic mirror
seems so inferior
to the touch of skin
How can I begin
to even think
to contemplate
this state
this emotion
How can I associate
that word
that joy
that feeling
with someone
so unknown
an unfamiliar entity
who would probably
laugh at me
Ridiculous!
It's madness!
I am no green child
no innocent maiden
to be taken
by infatuation
I have the knowledge
the experience
to know better
than to entertain
this nonsense
And yet
I can't let
go this feeling
my mind reeling
fearing the fantasy
scared the reality
will be as before
Trying to slam the door
to lock it
hide the key away
to wait for a day
that may never arrive.

Note: Heavily edited from the orginal which was awkward like woah. I kept the original version for posterity's sake:

And I must confess
to my distress
to my discontent
I never meant
to leave the door
open
what's more
to let my heart wander
over that boundary
into that territory
Pictures and
a hundred words
a thousand words
a million words
How can they equal
How can they replace
the sight of a face
the glint of a smile
Text on a magic mirror
seems so inferior
to the touch of skin
How can I begin
to even think
to contemplate
this state
this emotion
this notion
How's it not absurd
that I want to associate
that word
that feeling
that joy
that warmth
with someone
so unknown
an unfamiliar entity
who would probably
laugh at me
Ridiculous
this madness
I am no green girl
no innocent maiden
to be taken
by infatuation
I have the wisdom
the knowledge
the experience
to know better
than to entertain
this nonsense
And yet
I can't let
go of this feeling
my mind reeling
fearing
the fantasy
scared the reality
will be as before
Trying to slam the door
to lock it
to tuck the key
safely away
to wait for a day
still to arrive
Because it's inconceivable
that it's feasible
that I could be
so in love
so soon.

In my defense, the old muse is a bit rusty from long disuse, also, I am a prize idiot who's good sense and better judgement are apparently no match for runaway emotions. Oy.